he's a speller...

This is a continuance of Bailey's parent/teacher conference. We were sitting in the conference room across the table from Bailey's teacher. She is going over his work examples from throughout the year thus far. They do assessment testing to determine the process of where your child is as far as progress. He tested above average and made his mama and daddy proud in all areas...

Spelling. I pride myself on the fact that I am a speller. :) Bailey has inherited that gift from me as well. Bryan, on the other hand is not so much of a speller. (God bless his heart) Anyways, the teacher is going over his papers and comes to his spelling assessment. They have sight words, which are the basic common words used in everyday language and then they have what they call sound words(or something to that effect). There was a list of 8 or 10 words that she would say and Bailey should write out, the actual spelling was not counted. The idea was to get the sounds right. She begins going down the list of words, and comes to the word...speach. She continues with the list and Bryan says, why did he miss the word speach? I look at him and laugh and the teacher then puts on her teacher voice and teaches Bryan the correct spelling of SPEECH!!! By this time, Bryan is laughing at himself and we are chuckling along with him.

Bryan has a lot of great attributes I admire and love, he has some great traits that I am thankful he has passed along to our children, however, I am also thankful that my spelling gene dominated his! LOL! :) Bryan is a well known facebooker and is the, what I like to call the twitterer facebooker. He has multiple status updates throughout the day. I will be in another room and I hear, "how do you spell....?" So, I yell back the correct spelling to him and that is that. I knew Bailey was me made over when one day Bryan asked, "how do you spell dinosaur?", and Bailey yells across the house...D-I-N-O-S-A-U-R. I laughed uncontrollably and have still yet to let Bryan live that one down. :) So, in the end I pride myself on being a spelling fool, while my husband, well, he is just a fool of a speller! :)

Thank you all for your time. This SPEACH was brought to you, compliments of the twittering facebook fool of a speller! :)

I love you Bryan Ray Pearson! :)

B plus?!?!?

Today, we had Bailey's parent/teacher conference. We were to be there at 4:00 pm, we head over to the elementary school and park and start heading in. I had no worries with my little scholar. So, as we entered the building, I sent Bailey and Brendan to the playground and waited in the hallway for the teacher to finish with the other parents. The door swung open and she said, "Is Bailey with you?" I looked and told her he was on the playground and she asked that we get him. My first thought was uh-oh, I thought this was parent/teacher conference, not parent/teacher/student conference. So, I walk down to the playground and holler for the boys. They come running and say and screaming, mom, we just got here. I say you need to come with us, Bailey. Your teacher wants you in there, too. He looks surprised and says okay. Brendan says, ha ha Bubba, I get to play. After quickly putting Brendan in his place and informing him he has to tag along, we are on our way to the conference.

We enter the room and sit across the table from the teacher and she asks Bailey, " Bailey, I have your grades, how do you think you did?" My heart slowly sinks in my chest and I am thinking to myself, did I miss something here? She then hands Bailey his report card and he looks it over and grins and then his grin fades...he mouths the words, B PLUS? She starts praising him on how well he has done thus far and so on. I then take the report card and look and see he has gotten all A's, except for a B+ in reading. I am thrilled! Bailey gets kinda quiet and we continue with the conference. She goes over all his testing which he scored above average on everything and has some example work from throughout the school year. I then signed his report card and we said our goodbyes...

As we get back to the Jeep, Bryan and I are telling him how proud we are of him and how smart he is and how awesome his grades are. He then proceeds to tell us that he is never going to get a B again, only A's are acceptable in his book. I am thinking to myself, uh-oh, he is too young to be this concerned with his letter grades. Then, I explain what everything means, letter grade was and after realizing he was just points away from an A, he was then satisfied with himself. which, on the other hand makes mama satisfied that he is satisfied.

Now, we all know this wouldn't be a complete blog entry without a little Brendanism....

On Bailey's report card he had P's for his p.e., art, and music. So, Brendan says to Bailey, "Bubba, when I get in second grade, I am gonna try to get all P's, that way I don't have to be mad about not getting an A." Thank you for that little tidbit, Bren. And I am thinking to myself, I can't wait to see what letter grades Brendan does end up with when he is in 2nd grade, although it isn't the letter grades I will be concerned with, but the fact that Brendan...well, Brendan is Bryan Jr. (enough said) :)

stuck like glue...

You and me, baby...we're stuck like glue! Okay, I have this thing where I get "stuck" on a song and will play it over and over and over. My most recent song obsession is sugarland's, stuck like glue. I absolutely love this song and needless to say my boys know it almost word for word as well since I burn cds almost daily and play then in the 3 disc cd changer. So, the other day it happened to be just Bryan and I at home, I was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes with the volume cranked and shaking my groove thing and belting it out and the top of my lungs when Bryan asked, "are we stuck like glue?" Okay, for those of you who know us, we go back and forth with this little persnickety banter all the time...my response, "No, baby, we are more stuck like a piece of dried up chewing gum plastered underneath a restaurant table." He laughs and I laugh and we go on with our routine, you know the one where the wife does everything and the husband sits on the couch and holds it down and securely grips the remote control. :)

Later that night, after the kids are in bed and we are all cuddled up on the couch, I began soaking it up. Here I am laying here, wrapped up in his arms, legs tangled like a pretzel watching swamp monsters. (well, he was watching swamp monsters, I was looking at the tv, but I was really singing my stuck like glue song in my head. :) ) Then, it hits me like a ton of bricks...we are stuck like glue! Here we sit, in the home we have built together, in the next room we have two amazing gifts from God, who link us together for life and most importantly we have each other and the love that burns inside of us for one another.

Last night , we went to the pm service at our home church. There was a speaker, he is an awesome man who tells you what you need to hear. The things he says, scares me and I need that. We cannot get too comfortable in our walk with Jesus. It is not once saved, always saved. We need to be rapture ready at any given moment. I know I struggle with my walk of faith. I want to be closer to Him than I ever have been and could ever dream of being. So, I decided that me and Jesus are....yep, you guessed it, we are stuck like glue! (I hope my husband will be alright being stuck to me like a rubbery piece of chewing gum since Jesus is the glue that binds me.) I only have Him to thank for the chance to have my husband and my boys, He has blessed me with more than I could imagine and I plan to be His faithful and good servant until He calls me home. So, in the end, I guess we are stuck like glue! :) ( I know what you are thinking...I know, I know, I think I am the only one whose mind is so backwards and silly that I take a country song about a woman stalking a man and apply to my life.) I am a Jesus follower, not stalker. The difference? Jesus loves me and wants me to follow him and his will, just remember..."whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord, shall be saved."

Stinky boys...

Today's blog is brought to you by Bryan and Brendan. This father and son duo really put a whole new meaning to the phrase, "two peas in a pod." This morning we are scrambling around the house making ourselves presentable for church. Presentable?!?! So we thought...

Bryan and Brendan walk out of the house first, a couple minutes later Bailey and I follow. I come around the corner of the house and see Bryan standing at the end of the driveway "coaching" Brendan. I look to see Brendan and he is out in the middle of the blacktop road "moonwalking". Bryan continues with the "put your toes down and point and drag". I then ask Brendan, "why are you in the middle of the road moonwalking?" Tsk, tsk, tsk, silly me! "I am not moonwalking, I am scraping the dog poop off the bottom of my shoe." I shake my head and climb into the jeep, chuckling at his moonwalking abilities and Bryan's coaching abilities as well. A couple minutes later he and Bryan climb into the jeep to join Bailey and I.

Then, the most profound parental advice passed through my husband's lips..."Rooster, if anyone says they smell poop, just say, Me too!" I turn to Bryan and say "NIIIIIIICEEE ADVICE, DAD!" So, we laugh and head to church.

We then arrive at church and take our seats. Bryan and 3 other men are playing guitar together and were doing a special this morning. We have our morning announcements this morning and then the air conditioning kicks on, which i am usually not happy about anyway, because it blows right on me, however today I was. I then get a wiff of some rank body odor. i wrinkle my nose and look around to see if anyone else has noticed. I then nonchalantly lean over to Bryan and inform him of the b.o. I smell and his response...."Me too!" I then smell it even stronger and lock eyes with Bryan and ask him if he put deoderant on this morning and he sniffs his armpits and replies with, "Uhhhh, noooo!" I then laugh and whisper in his ear (while holding my breath) that if anyone says they smell b.o., just say, Me too! We giggle and when he turns his head I sneakily slide down the pew out of his reach so he cannot put his stinky arm around me during service.

Before Bryan and the guys get up to perform, he excuses himself to go to the restroom, when he comes back I am teasing him by telling him to keep his arms down and pinching my nose. He says, " it's alright now, I went in the bathroom and put Germ-X under my arms." I am about to lose it at this point, however I get my laughter under control and he performs and it goes off without a hitch. Service is over and we are in the Jeep on our way home and I ask Brendan if he put Germ-X on his shoe, he looks at me like I am silly and then later says to me, "that is a genius idea!" Moral of the story...Boys stink! :) again, brought to you by Bryan and his mini-me, Brendan.

drama, drama, drama...

Family. I love my family more than words can describe, however there are those "special" moments when you feel the urge to escape. I have come to learn that when those times arise it is best to keep your feelings and thoughts to yourself. Recently, I was called out on airing my families "drama" on my blog. The way I see it is this...I blog for myself. If you enjoy reading it, even better, however, I do not blog to air my dirty laundry so that it can be discussed as a weapon against me or my family. We all make mistakes. At least I am honest as to mine and my husband's mistakes and am real and do not put on a show for others. I would like to think that the people who look at my blog and say..."OMG, how could she ever write those things?" are secretly jealous of the bravery and honesty pouring out of me. I would rather be myself and have you not like me than to be fake and plaster on my happy face. I enjoy blogging and enjoy the fact that many people follow my blog and comment regularly (well, as often as i post...:) ). So, this is a little heads up to those of you who think that my blog is inappropriate...I have read many of your posts and such and have had many many comments, however I choose to refrain from writing anything negative, out of respect for my family. I bite my tongue until I taste blood sometimes and for the most part will continue to do so, until my family is brought into it. I am not a fighter, but I will fight tooth and nail for my family.

Thank you for your time and thoughts! :)

Now.....on to the real reason we are here....We will call this one, "Facing our fears"

Tuesday night Bryan and the boys pack up the guitar and head to church for practice. I take advantage of my time alone. You know, the typical...I crank up the 3 disc cd changer and light the candles and take a deep breath and...wait for it, wait for it...CLEAN!! :) I start in the boys' room (God help me) I start by collecting all the little pieces of paper on the floor. Bailey is an aspiring artist so he is constantly cutting and gluing and coloring. I gather up all the trash and head for the dirty socks under the edge of the bed. Surprise, I am on my knees and bend down to grab them and find a huge wolf spider staring at me. So, I grab the sock and squish him. Then, I pick him up with the sock and trek to the bathroom and lay him on the sink to "inspect" him. Once I am satisfied that he is dead, I then decide I am going to give him a burial at sea...*phone rings*. I take the socks in my hand and head to the kitchen, answer the phone and chat with my momma awhile and have now discarded the dirty socks in the laundry room and made the beds and am done with my wifely duties. I then settle in to soak up some quiet time. 15 minutes later the boys come scrambling in the door, I see a blur of Bailey run past with 1 hand ripping his jacket off and the other tightly holding his boy parts as he scurries to the bathroom. 17.4 seconds later, I hear screaming and crying coming from the bathroom, I rush in and find Bailey with his pants around his abkles saying, "there is a big hairy spider on the sink". Ooooopssssey daisey, I forgot to flush it. This little slip of the mind would cost me.

Bryan comes to the rescue and flushes the monster spider and Bailey finally relieves himself after nearly getting the pee scared right out of him and the night continues. They eat, bathe and then our nightly story. Brendan curls up and is out like a light. Bailey, on the other hand does his nightly artwork and I eventually go in to turn the light out and he comes out saying, "I can't sleep." I then remind him of how crabby he is in the mornings because he is tired and try convincing him to get to sleep. He piddles around and it is now after 10:00pm, Bryan and I are in bed and Bailey comes in pacing back and forth and when we tell him to go to bed, he replies with, "i am scared of the spiders." I tell him that the spider is dead and gone. He whines and whimpers and after we go back and forth he looks at me and throws his hands up in the air and tears start coming and says, "I just can't face my fears, Mom." I stifle my laughter. Such a profound statement from my little Picasso. I then calm his fears and tell him he can pick anywhere in the house to sleep, offering the couch, his floor, his bed and so on. He then chooses what he calls the safest place in the house...my floor at the end of our bed. I then get him tucked in on his pallet and kiss him goodnight and climb into bed to get my beauty sleep.

While falling asleep and listening to my artist breath and groan sleepily, I realize that his fear of the spider,(which tend to be on the floor anyway) was calmed by the closeness of his mommy and daddy. The trust and love our children put in us, is without a doubt one of the greatest gifts we can have as parents. And I pray for the children out there who are abused and neglected and wish I could take each and everyone of them into my home, my life and more importantly, my heart. Say a prayer thanking Him for what we have and say 2 prayers for those children who have to fall asleep with their fears.

independent....

I recently babysat my niece and nephew. My nephew, 10 enjoyed playing with my boys and they were pretty much glued to the tv playing wii, or atop the seat of the bikes racing to the stop sign at the end of the street. My niece, Lilly, 7 months old was pretty much glued to my right hip. :) I always have thought that I wanted to have another baby, but after my all nighter, I can say with certainty that I am not seeing any babies in the Pearson household anytime soon.

Lilly is a happy baby, she wakes up smiling with rosy red cheeks and dried slobber in the corners of her mouth. She absolutely melts your heart when you lock onto those big brown eyes and see her smile and them brown eyes reflect the true happiness shining from inside her. She makes my heart smile and reminds me of the miracles that God gives us.

I love my children and was very blessed to have happy healthy babies. The way I look at it is, since they made me throw up for almost the entire time I was cooking them to perfection, the least they could do was be happy as babies. :) I can remember one of my most favorite things when they were babies, as probably many of you other moms do as well...newborns, eat, sleep, poop, and occasionally test out the lungs for grins and giggles. However, there are those moments when they are peacefully sleeping in their bassinet, or in your protective arms and grin from ear to ear for no apparent reason. We have all seen this and for some reason I would always think to myself that they were dreaming of where they were before they were so graciously placed into our lives by God. These babies are His children and we have been fortunate enough to have been trusted with them. It is our duty as parents to guide them and mold them into believers. Faith is hard for an adult to grasp sometimes, how on earth are we supposed to begin to describe this to our children?

I am far from perfect as a mother and have made my fair share of mistakes and will make many more before it is all said and done. One thing I do not want mistaken in the eyes of my children is where my heart lies and what I believe. We were driving to a birthday party yesterday and Bailey starts..."What can wash away my sins...nothing but the blood of Jesus", then Brendan, "What can make me whole again...nothing but the blood of Jesus", then in unison..."How precious is the blood...." As I sit in the front seat and listen to my boys spout off medleys about our savior, I cannot help but fight back the tears and feel more pride and happiness in my heart knowing that my children truly know Him and love him. How many parents out there get to listen to their 7 and 5 year olds sing songs about Jesus? I do, I do! I just pray for the children and their parents who sing spongebob and dora theme songs and their children never know of any other songs. (my children and I know spongebob and dora as well, no offense intended) I would hate to think what our world will be years from now, if we have no youth to continue his work, so as a parent I am making my solemn vow to teach my children why we walk this earth and what our job is while we are here. "I'll never know how much it costs, to see my sins up on that cross", think about ehy you are here and give thanks! :)

Bath time Confessions....

Bath time in our house is always an experience, it either brings water dripping from the ceiling, or bubble gum scented foam soap from top to bottom. Brendan is a new kindergartner this year. He comes home from school and is hungry, he has a snack and says i am gonna go watch cartoons, after the first two days, we realized he meant..."I am going to go hide and nap." So, we would try things like Uno, or Hi Ho Cherry-o's to occupy him until he adjusts to his new found schooling.

Dinner conversation is also always an interesting time in our home. We usually have Bailey sitting there, too interested in dissecting his dinner and Brendan is talking non stop around the milk mustache he sports so well every night. The outline for kindergarten this year is dinosaurs, Brendan has became very knowledgeable about these extinct creatures, so educated that he informs me at dinner, "mom, am i smart because I know dinosaurs are stink?" I swallow my bite of rice before choking with laughter and reply, "stink?" As soon as I say it aloud, it hits me...EXTINCT. I correct him and reassure him of just how smart he is and enjoy the smile that spreads from ear to ear with the milk mustache in tow.

Bath time last night...Bailey is a big boy now and does not take baths except for weekends when he can play in them. Brendan still wants a bath, so Bailey has showered and his tucked in tightly for the night. Brendan is in the bath tub and I am finishing up dishes and tell him to have his hair wet and be ready when I come in to wash him. I finish up and head into the bathroom. I walk in and see Brendan face down blowing bubbles with his mouth and all I can see is a small blinding white little butt staring up at me, I giggle and announce myself. He turns over and finally gets his hair wet and starts jabbering on and on. I am on my knees bent over the side of the tub washing his hair and I have to stop myself and stand up and stretch my back. Brendan looks at me and asks, "mom, does your back hurt?" I look down at him and he looks like he could burst out into tears at any second. I answer him and tell him that it hurts from work, but it will be fine, just pray for me. He says, "I have to tell you something." I wait and he starts..."today at school, at recess, me and my friends were playing a game that goes, you step on a crack, you break your mother's back. I am sorry, I won't play that game ever again." I look down at him wanting to laugh and reassure him it is only a game and him playing that game is not the issue with my back. Then, I look at him and see the remorse and hurt in his little eyes and my heart smiles. Looking at him, I realize I am so blessed to have my boys! They are beautiful loving souls and I am thankful for the warmth they give me and the love I receive from them.

So, in conclusion, as I sit here writing this blog and listen to my children argue over what to watch and whose umbrella is cooler, I try and always think of loving souls that exist in those two bouncing baby boys! They truly are the light of my life and will bless many others long after i am "stink". :)

a trip to the lake...

Boys will be boys....we recently took a trip to the outlet mall in Osage Beach to do some school shopping for the boys. The boys are excited on the way there, saying things like, "will we get to see the big boats, I am not wearing anything you buy except for aeropostale." You know, the typical 5 and 7 year old sayings. We arrive at the mall and the first store we venture into happens to be aeropostale, Bailey is in heaven. So, we browse and they each have found what they are getting and we check out. My poor little sheltered boys start to head for the Jeep, we call them back and ask where they are going, they thought we were done shopping. So, me being the momma I am, laugh and inform them I did not wear my walking shoes to go into one store and told them we were gonna, "hit em all". They look at each other, not knowing if they should be thrilled or scared, so bags in tow, they walk side by side taking in the store fronts. We manage to drag them into a few shops that were not on the top of their list, but I think when I lit up like a christmas tree as I inhaled deeply while walking into bath and body works had them see me in a different light. (No, not the glow from me lighting up, :) ) I smelled the new scents and tried to have them smell this and smell that, and they shook their heads at me and was like hurry up. I walked away with my favorite choice, berry with a hint of vanilla. Later that day, Bailey asks me, " How did you choose just the one lotion and spray out of all those?" I stop and look down and say," it is one of my favorites, I can remember wearing it in high school. " Not really intrigued by that, we walk on to the bookstore where the boys each get a book. My boys are not the typical kids when it comes to their reading material, Brendan chooses a book that contains a carrier and magnets, so he can recreate the story with his magnets, Bailey chooses an instructional book on how to make a lion out of clay. We finish our day of shopping, cap it off with a little bit of greek pizza and head home. On the way home, Bryan and I are talking about our day together and Bryan says, " I smell pee." I turn to laugh at him and call him disgusting, and when my head turns I say, "me too." We then hear giggles coming from the backseat, at this time, I am more than afraid to turn around and Bryan who is nervously grinning from ear to ear says, "don't look at me, I am driving, you have to turn around and see." I then turn around to the sight of my two boys peeing into empty soda bottles and laughing hysterically when they see me looking at them. I do not say a word, I turn back around and tell Bryan what I just witnessed and he begans to laugh uncontrollably. I am scarred, I just seen my two boys peeing into empty soda bottles and thinking it was the coolest thing ever. I then hear Bailey..."Brendan, look how much I peed!" I then lost it, I laughed and almost had tears rolling down my cheeks. We then disposed of the evidence and I gathered my giggles and traded them in for the mommy voice and told them that just because they are boys and can pee easily, there is a time and place for everything, they nodded their heads as it went in one ear and out the other, but in the end my conclusion, a family that pees together, always has that warm fuzzy feeling! Boys will be boys! :)

money in the bank...

I knew that I had inflicted pain onto those around me, and unfortunately I had inflicted pain onto the one closest to me, my husband. I had been hurt by him and the way I dealt with that was to hurt him in return. Little did I know, I was not only hurting him, I was hurting my children as well. I had become a hateful spiteful person and looking back now, I realize that I was being selfish. I had every right to be angry and hurt after the situation with Bryan, however, I was not dealing with my own issues of handling the situation. I did the only thing I knew would help me...I dropped to my knees and gave my problems to Him, I asked for His help and begged for forgiveness. I wanted my family back and knew in my heart that I had to forgive so that I could do my part to begin the healing process. I once heard that marriage is like a piggy bank, for every good thing that happens, you put in a penny and for every bad thing that happens you take out a dollar. I was on a mission to put my piggy bank in the black! Surrendering to Him was only the beginning, I still had to do the leg work and Bryan was doing his part by showing me he wanted our piggy bank full of pennies. I felt a sense of peace and love fall upon my heart and knew that I had been healed from the pain I had endured. We did our weekly assignments from marriage counseling and continued to grow as a married couple. We made new rules and boundaries as a couple and began to fall in love all over again. The next step I had to take was to make amends to the wonderful gifts God had blessed me with, my children. Bailey and Brendan had seen me cry, scream and wake up with anger written all over my face. I had came home from work one day, only to discover that I had left my cell phone at work. I made it home and my boss had text Bryan had told him my phone was at work, so I asked the boys to ride with me. I stopped at a local gas station, and let them get a cold drink and a snack. We climbed into the jeep and they buckled and began snacking and chatting away. I readjusted my rearview mirror to see their heart warming little faces with rosy red chubby cheeks (they get that from me). I told them to listen to me, I had something important to tell them. They looked at each other and Bailey says, " uh oh, Bren-Bren, we are in trouble." My heart sank and I fought back the tears and simply told them I love them and I was sorry for being mean, I was sorry for fighting with Daddy, and I was sorry I hurt them in any way I did. They smiled and said, "is that it?" I laughed asked if they forgave me and the smiles on their faces and the sparkle in their eyes gave me my answer. I then concluded that if the world could be as forgiving and understanding as the two beautiful boys riding in my backseat could be, it would definitely be a better place. So, not only did surrendering to Him get me my marriage back on the right track, it got me back in my baby boys' graces and those two places are at the top of my list. The next milestone I faced was addiction...

healing of the heart...

Bryan and I left marriage counseling and I was still as angry as ever. We were assigned homework, our assignment was to read 1 Corinthians: 1-7, and discuss what it meant to us together as a couple. So, that night we put the kids to bed, I wake up at 4:30 every morning to go to work, so I am go to be early. Bryan, on the other hand is quite the night owl. so, I meander into the bedroom and grab my bible and skim the verses...(this was my way of being one up, and again, for those of you who know me, I like to be right, ALL the time!) I read the content and wrote down what it meant. Little did I realize but I had wrote down the definition of the content, not the feeling of what it actually meant. I hollered for Bryan and told him to come in the bedroom so we could do this so I could get to sleep. He was too busy and said, "we'll do it tomorrow." So, I mumbled some not so kind sweet nothings and rolled my eyes(which I am the greatest at by the way. :) ) rolled over and fell asleep. Needless to say the week went by and we were at a point where we were barely on speaking terms and the next Tuesday rolled around and we had not completed our assignment. The pastor asked us why we had not completed the assignment and my response was, "Bryan didn't have time." We were then given another week to accomplish the task that we had brushed under the rug, which by the way had so many "things" brushed under it that it was only a matter of time before the rug overflowed and it all started leaking out. We continued to go on with our everything but normal routine, which included me waking up, going to work, me coming home, cooking, cleaning, and bathing kids and going to bed. At this time, Bryan was unemployed and had become very accustomed to the easy life. This caused me to feel resentment towards him. it took me along time to realize that the anger I had towards him was not just because I had felt like I had been betrayed, but it stemmed back from the day I gave birth to our son and I was alone. We went to our weekly appointment and for the first time in months, I cried. I cried for my marriage, I cried for the damage I had caused my boys, I cried for the person I had become. I am not one to cry in front of people, especially a man I had known for 3 weeks, but when he looked at me and asked if I thought my marriage was worth fighting for instead of just fighting? It had hit me like a led balloon...I was unable to see that the blame was not all on Bryan, I had to forgive in order to heal inside and become the wife he deserved and the mommy my kids needed again. Therefor, the prayers I spoke every morning, evening and in my dreams felt like they weren't getting past the roof, realizing this, I realized the first person I had to apologize to was Jesus...

a new beginning...

Marriage counseling...our first session was an opportunity to introduce ourselves to our counselor, and for him to familiarize his self with our "marital problems". After we left there I felt nothing different and had decided that if I wanted to be a survivor and have the respect of my children, I was going to give this all I have. That way at least I could say I gave it my everything. Our children were very aware of the problems we were having, we fought in front of them and I will forever regret that until the day I die. They are 7 and 5, they are more aware of their surroundings than we would like to think. We took our kids with us to our Tuesday evening appointments and they played and watched movies, unaware that in the next room their parents were fighting and struggling to keep their home and the security of their family in tact. This is sad to say, but it had gotten so bad that my children were the biggest reason I was still there. I loved Bryan the whole time, but I was so filled with anger and hurt that those emotions and smothered any other emotion that I felt. We managed to make it through another damaging week and Tuesday rolled back around. We loaded up the kids and drove to our appointment. I was trying my hardest to keep a clear mind and focus on what I was hoping to be the happy ending as a result from all the mayhem we had been through. We got the boys situated in their play area and walked into the pastor's office. we each took what had become our designated seats and the pastor began with a prayer. Ahhhhh, refreshing my soul and putting me in the frame of mind to humble myself and be more like Him. I remember thinking after we finished praying, "alright buddy, that was a low blow, trying to soften my heart, when I have worked so hard to be tough, I have enclosed my heart in barbed wire, so good luck..." We then went through the whole entire story that had led us to this embarrassing place in our marriage. Looking back now, I can see how the pastor defused the situation and how he confirmed that everything I was feeling I was entitled to feel. I felt a sense of victory, knowing that I was understood. He agreed that I was not expressing my anger and hurt in the best possible way, but at least I was expressing it. Bryan, on the other hand is the complete opposite of me...he would make jokes when I would try talking to him in a civilized manor about our issues, causing me to get more angrier than before the conversation began. Then, the music to my ears, " Bryan, is it safe to say that you struggle with emotions?" I had always told Bryan from the beginning that he did not know what it meant to love someone. He argued and said and I quote, " whatever, you are stupid." (this is one of my very MATURE husband's favorite responses) He then told us our time was up and confirmed we were going to be there next week. I left there with a slight tinge of hope, thinking maybe if he hears it from someone else, just maybe he could see the damage he has done to my heart...

marriage counseling 101...

We decided that the only option for us was to attend marriage counseling. We then had the dilemma of finding a counselor. We had no idea how to approach the idea of even searching for one, do we google it, do we get the phone book out and start looking diligently? So, unbeknown to me, Bryan had talked to his BFF about our situation and he recommended a pastor that specializes in Christian marriage counseling. Bryan has this thing where he feels it is my responsibility to call and make doctor appointments, talk to people on the phone, that he is somehow incapable. So, he relays this information to me and says, here, you need to call and schedule an appointment. I look at him with hatred in my eyes and squint and grit my teeth and reply with, " This is all your fault, I am not calling, you can call or forget about the whole thing." He called. We had our first appointment the next Tuesday at 4:00 pm. I work on Tuesdays and I am off at 2:00 pm everyday, I left work and came home looking for an excuse not to go. When nothing presented itself as a way out, I sucked it up and we traveled the quick 5 minute trip across town. We rode in silence and before going into the church, I looked at Bryan and said, " I hope you don't think that just because this is 'christian marriage counseling' that I am going to hold back, because I will not!" And with that we entered the church. I had never met the pastor at this church before and was nervous, just because I am not a fan of meeting new people. I am shy. (my shyness does not count to those of you who know me already! :) ) He introduced himself and led us into his office, where there were two chairs sitting side by side in front of his long rectangle wooden desk. He asked what our problems were and I filled him in.....3 days later after going down my checklist...okay, maybe it wasn't 3 days, but after going through my issues, he turned to Bryan and asked what his issues were and he replies with..."she is mean to me." Okay, let me fill you in on a little secret, I have an anger issue, slightly. When you hurt me in some way or another I will find a way to hurt you back, 10 times worse than you hurt me. When you make me mad, I will put you into a rage of fury. Therefore, I have to admit that since Bryan had broken his trust with me, I was not the most pleasant woman to be around...I was extremely mean to him, I would yell and scream at him, call him names, curse at him and avoid all physical contact all together as well as I refused to tell him that i loved him, and when he would say it to me, I told him not to say it, because if he "loved" me, why did he do what he did? This were not things I did to him one time while we were fighting, this had become a daily way for me to treat him. This is not something I am not proud of, but we all make mistakes and I was forgiven and continue to be forgiven. So, after Bryan tries pulling the *sniff, sniff, she is mean to me card, I control my evil laugh and proceed to look him square in the eyes and say that it is his fault I treat him the way I do! Bryan and I continued with our banter that had become routine for us and finally we were interrupted by the counselor. I remember thinking...phew I forgot where we were for a minute, good thing I watched my mouth, ha ha. He recapped our little issue and you could see the fear in his eyes when he turned to me and said, "you are very angry with Bryan, is that correct?" I then replied with, "you could say that." He didn't have to say anything, but I could see it on his face...he was thinking, this girl is a little spitfire and I have my work cut out for me on this one...

steal, kill and destroy...

Bryan and I had lived on our love for the past 8 1/2 years, and were now attending church regularly and had committed to living our lives not only for one another, but for the Lord. Bryan had started attending Sunday school and I had opted out of that request. The reason I chose not to go, is because I feel intimidated by others who are more familiar with the church and bible than I. He enjoyed his class and had made many friends. I, on the other hand went to morning service and then went home. Bryan pushed and pushed for me to go to Sunday school and I refused. The fact that I am very independent, does not help the fact that when you tell me to do something, the more I will rebel. One of my major issues with Bryan was the fact he is OBSESSED with his cell phone. I can not even count the number of times I had told him it was an issue and yet he continued to be on it for what would seem like 24/7. He was always texting his BFF and they are quite the pair. One day I dropped Bryan off at his Tuesday night bible study and began to drive away when his cell phone made a noise that had become wayyyy to familiar my ears. Bryan had a text message, I searched for the phone and picked it up and read the text...."hey, how are you today?" I then looked and seen who this text message was from and my anger level went from 0 to 60 in about 1.5 seconds. This text message was from a woman from our church. This was not the first time I knew of interaction betwen the two of them. The interaction on the computer had become obvious to me and I had mentioned it and he replied with..."I will stop if it bothers you that much." Little did I know, but I had been made to look like a fool, the computer interaction had stopped and apparently texting had taken its place. I then called someone at the bible study and asked to speak with Bryan. He answered the phone and I told him I would be in front of the building in 2 minutes, to come get his phone and that he had gotten a very important text in the 5 minutes he had been away from his phone. He knew by the screaming and the tone of my voice, I was in a rage. I pulled up and threw his phone to him and informed him who had text him and the content of the text. I then said, " I AM DONE!" I rolled up my window and sped off. When I got home my stomach was in knots and I was still so mad that I could not even cry. I decided to get online and check our phone bill to see if it would confirm what my heart was telling me and it did...thousands of text messages shared between him and her. I printed them off and confronted him with them when he got home. He said they were all about God and scriptures and there was never anything inappropriate. I was seeing red and asked why he had deleted the messages if there was nothing inappropriate, and his response was, "because I knew you would get mad." In my eyes, I felt like I was constantly competing with one thing or another to be a priority with Bryan. At first, it was drinking, then it was church, now, another woman. I sent a message to the woman and asked her if she thought what she was doing was appropriate, she replied with the same response as him. She told me that she texts a lot of men and her husband knows and is fine with it. I told Bryan that I was not able to get over this and I had even considered leaving him and I had played out all scenarios in my head, even divorce. After many conversations with her and Bryan I had a sense of peace and knew in my heart that nothing inappropriate had been exchanged between them. I still had the whole issue of having the trust that we had built for almost 9 years shattered. I then quit going to church, the way I saw it, church was full of nothing but hypocrites and I wanted no part of it. Things between Bryan and I became worse by the day and I had turned into a hateful, mean and angry person. I woke up everyday with hate running through my veins and fell asleep each night with it still surging through me. I had hate the person I had became and told Bryan that we needed to do something, his response was marriage counseling...

the honeymoon

The honeymoon...

After the wedding, we came home and we both could not stop smiling. Unfortunately we are not blessed with riches and I had to go to work. I left for work and glided out to the jeep and went to work to serve my time. I told everyone who walked into my office that I was now a married woman. Most of the drivers looked at me like i was silly, and replied with..."I thought you already were married." Recap, Bryan and I had been together for 9 years before we finally tied the knot. Now, the reason we remained unmarried for so long...Bryan has not always been mine. He has a daughter, Dakota, 18 and a son, Broc, 14. His daughter was from his high school sweetheart and his son was from his ex-wife. Bryan was married in 1999 to Broc's mom. This is hard for any woman to swallow, the fact of knowing your husband had committed his life to another woman before you. Bryan and her separated after only approximately 1 year of marriage. Then a few months later Bryan came to my hometown to work. After his lovely time of courting me around and trying to feed me artichoke dip, a mere 2 weeks into our relationship, Bryan says those 3 little words that tied me to him indefinitely. And, pretty much in the same breath proceeds to tell me he is still legally married. My heart , which was 30 seconds earlier fluttering trying to maintain a steady beat had now sank into my chest and felt as if it were shattering into a million pieces. He then told me that he was separated and had no intentions of reconciling the marriage. I then agreed that it was not an issue for me as long as a divorce was in the near future. We proceeded to build our lives together and time had slipped by. We would pay the lawyer and have papers drawn up and she would contest one thing or another, so it took way longer than it should have. It costs us a lot of money and a lot of valuable time, time which we could have been married. When it was all said and done, Bryan had 'legally' been single for 13 days before we were officially married. Our wedding was no fairytale, but the love that we shared after being pronounced man and wife was worth the wait. We had our ups and we had our downs, we always loved each other, but until we married, God had held out on the love in which we shared after doing the right thing in the eyes of Him. I thought I knew what it felt like to be loved by Bryan, but the love that was pouring out of him to me, his wife, was by far one of the most rewarding and satisfying feelings I have ever experienced. We lived our love song for almost a yearafter being married, which brings us to present day. I knew it was too good to be true, the devil was on a mission and his focus was my marriage...

the wedding

Wednesday, Bryan and I had decide that we were going to get married and our first step was to get our marriage license, we loaded up our boys, who at this time are 6 and 4. We drove to the next town, yes, the artichoke dip town and walked into the courthouse and bought our marriage license. We then decide we may as well go buy wedding rings, you know that way we will have them when the time comes. So, we went and picked out wedding bands. Bryan, in a nonchalant way says, "you know, we could just go to the courthouse and get married". My heart flip flopped and the emotions came flooding into my head and heart with the thought of being his wife. The emotions took and over and I replied, "Okay." We then drove back to the courthouse and asked the judge to marry us, his schedule was full and we decided it wasn't our day. The boys, such troopers, had been dragged around town while Bryan and I were busy with our planning and piped in..."we're hungry", we stopped in our tracks and shared with each of them how much we loved them and how their patience and good behavior had not gone unnoticed. We pulled into the parking lot of Hardee's and went in and ordered lunch. We sat and ate our lunch, the boys and I were talking 'wedding stuff' and Bryan was on the phone trying to call anyone he could think of to marry us. We finished our lunch and began the quick trip home. we drive past our church on our way home and Bryan says, "i am gonna call pastor and see if he is busy." He calls and asks him to marry us and he is more excited than we are. He tells us to be at the church in an hour and a half. I then go into panic mode...calling my mom, my dad, and my sister, telling them I am getting married in an hour and a half. We rush home and change into our wedding attire, mine being a pair of jeans and a sweater with my Justin boots, of course. Bryan in a pair of khakis and a polo. Our boys are running around the house like wild banshees, saying to each other ..."mom and dad are getting married, mom and dad are getting married." I apply my makeup and am floating on a high I am unaware of at the time. Time to head for the church...The wedding...We pull into the parking lot of the church and my parents are already there, along with my sister. Yes, we were the last ones to arrive to our own wedding. I give hugs to my family, who by the way had no idea of wedding, let alone to get the call an hour before the event. I hug my daddy and he has a twinkle in his eye, he reaches into his truck and pulls out a bouquet of flowers and hands it to me. I gasp and say thank you and could not believe how I was planning on getting married and making the sacrifice of all the little details I had dreamed about for soooo long. I then blinked past the tears and made my way into the church. I was greeted by the pastor and his amazing wife, along with the youth pastor and his wife, and the church's secretary. We had a brief run through of the proceedings and when I headed to the front of the church to take my place next to my soon to be husband, I was told to to go out of the sanctuary and let my daddy walk me in. They had even popped the Wedding March cd into the cd player and my daddy walked me down the aisle, handing my hand to my soon to be husband's in a symbol of letting go. A short 5 minutes later we were married, and the journey could really begin.

priorities

Priorities...Bryan's drinking had became an everyday event and to see Bryan without a beer in his hand was when you would catch him asleep. He was a "regular" at one of the local bars and that phone number had been etched into my brain as I had dialed it many of times requesting him to come home and be with his family. This went on for 4 more years. Bryan drinking had become a normal part of our lives. We fought like cats and dogs and I had become a nasty, hateful human being, who was mad at the world. If it were not for my 2 boys, I would have been done with him long, long ago. But, for some reason I was still there thinking..."if he really loved me, he would stop." I was convinced I could change him. I remember the night when Bryan came stumbling into our house after being at the bar and the boys were tucked away sleeping and I was sitting on the couch , alone. I poured my heart and soul out to him, begging him to stop and see what he was sacrificing and he began to open up, for what seemed like the first time. He admitted to having a problem with drinking and shared with me just how out of control it had gotten. He then decided he was going to quit. My prayers had been answered...A new beginning...Bryan quit drinking and we both began to familiarize ourselves with the man that was Bryan, the true man, not the man who was under the influence of alcohol 24/7 and it was unfamiliar territory for us both. Bryan has always been a spiritual man, but he soon realized he could not fight this on his own. He began going to AA meetings. He made me so proud by showing his commitment to his family by becoming the man we needed. He then realized the meetings were helpful to those who didn't have other means of healing. Bryan had decided to turn his life over to the one who had sacrificed His life for him, Jesus. Bryan began to attend church regularly and began to encourage me to attend as well. I was so angry with him still, he drinks and breaks our family down, and he simply asks for forgiveness and commits his life to Christ and then has the nerve to ask me to change my ways? And proceeds to tell me that this will make things better for us and I need to do my part. I am only human, forgiveness is a gift given to those who have a pure heart and are committed to Him. I was not that person...Our two year struggle.....I Even though we had been together for 8 years, I was in a relationship with a new man. I would see the passion in him for his church family and his children, and wish inside of myself that I could have that as well. I was jealous of his newfound peace and was angry because I felt like he got off easy. I was the one there for 8 years, going through things on my own emotionally, raising 2 kids, working and trying to make our house a home and he was out drinking and living it up. I then began to attend church with him, I put on my happy face and pushed all my emotions into that pocket of my heart where all my scars were now covered in layers of scar tissue and smiled my way through yet another year of our relationship. I had my moments when I was convinced I had submitted to His will and was ready to accept the life He had for me, but then it would all come crashing down. We had been attending church as a family for approximately 1 year when Bryan said it was time to get married. This had always been a dream of mine, just like every other girl in the world, wedding dress, my daddy walking me down the aisle, honeymoon and forever living as one. My fairytale wedding was more of a fable...

the introduction, part 2

Our first miracle...

Bailey Michael Pearson, born on December 5, 2002 at 5:55pm, weighing in at a whopping 8lbs, 14 1/2oz. and measuring 21 inches long. We conceived Bailey almost exactly 9 months after our miscarriage and was more than excited to start our family. Bryan and I had had many happy times together and the euphoria of holding this miracle in my arms confirmed every doubt that had ever been presented to me in the past year and a half with Bryan. We took Bailey home after 4 days and began our life as parents together. This was what I thought was the beginning of my fairy tale...

Our second miracle...

Brendan Christopher Pearson, born on September 18, 2004 at 7:38pm, weighing in at 8lbs, 8 oz and measuring 20 1/2 inches long. My water broke with Brendan on a Saturday afternoon, I was sitting my gigantor booty on our futon eating Burger King, I rocked back and forth to gain the inertia to rise up off the futon and stood and began laughing...I was convinced I had peed my pants! My sister was staying with me because Bryan was out of town fishing...(that story soon to play into the events). I proceeded to the restroom where I sat down and did my business and realized my business kept doing. It then hit me like a ton of bricks, "Tabby, my water broke!" I was unusually calm, first things first, call Bryan. I dialed his number and there was no answer. I instructed my sister to grab the bags and get Bailey ready and we will head to the hospital. She was in charge of contacting my parents and others. My goal was to get a hold of Bryan. We then loaded into the car and I am still remaining calm and I drove us to the hospital. They put me in my room and told me I was dilated to a 3, I beckoned the amazing man, AKA the anesthesiologist and prepared for my epidural. Meanwhile, I can only guess as to how many missed calls Bryan has on his phone by now and I have still yet to talk to him. They clear the room and proceed to numb my pain, easier said than done...the medicine was injected into the wrong spot in my spine and caused my blood pressure to plummet and my entire body, including m chest walls to become numb. I was in and out of consciousness and by the time they had cleaned it out of my system, I was dilated to an 8 and told I could not have any pain medication. FYI...not something you want to tell a woman who is in labor and not able to reach her husband. I cried and acted like a 4 year old and told the doctor I refused to push! The time came and only God can get props for giving me the strength to deliver that bouncing baby boy. I remember it being the most horrible pain I have ever experienced in my life, but cannot remember how terrible because feeling the love for that little guy know blocks out every bad image of that day, except one...

The caller you are trying to reach is not available...

Bryan and I have not always been the people we both are today. If you recall, we did meet in a bar. Bryan was a drinker. Looking back, I guess I should have taken more notice to the fact that drinking was Bryan's priority then and now here in 2004. I finally get in touch with Bryan after giving birth and being moved to our sleeping quarters for the next 2 days. Needless to say that was not a pleasant conversation. I had never felt so abandoned and alone and knowing he had chose drinking and his friends over me and our family. He then came home the next day from Iowa and after making a pit stop at our house to shower finally came to the hospital to meet our son. I was infuriated to even lay my eyes upon this man, this man who I had given my all to and to have him shred my trust and heart into a billion pieces. We left the hospital and went on with our lives. I shut my mouth and focused on our boys. Time passed and it eventually got buried deep down inside of me, leaving room for many more scars to come...

the introduction, part 1

Welcome! First of all, thanks for taking the time to check out my page. I am Samantha, a mother of two amazing little boys, Bailey, 7 and Brendan, 5. I am married to Bryan, my husband of only 1 year and two months. Bryan and I have been together for 10 years in January, we have had a rocky road to get to where we are today. Bryan came to our little town we live in from Iowa. I, on the other hand am a hometown girl, born and raised in our little community.We had the all but normal kind of meeting, I was working in a bar and Bryan was a faithful patron. (I would later learn to love his faithfulness) He finally bit the bullet and asked me out and I obliged...

Our first date...The agenda was dinner. We took the short 10 minute trip down the interstate to the next town and talked like lifelong friends. We then decided on the fanciest restaurant in town, we were seated and began to peruse the menu. This is something we still discuss 10 years later and can always guarantee a smile...our appetizer of choice, artichoke dip. We were not prepared for the white and green substance layed out so intricately in the sourdough ring.(Only later to learn that was not the only thing we were not prepared for in the beginning of our lives together) The waitress with her crisp, white button down shirt and black slacks layed it in between us and we thanked her, and as she was walking away, we were silently daring one another to take the plunge. We then came to the 1st and thankfully not the last agreement as a couple...."at the same time...ready?" As we took our first bite the look on his face felt like the look on my face. We then decided we had tried it and that we gave it a fair shot, making a mental note to avoid artichoke dip from there on out. We then ate our dinner and could feel the warm and fuzzy feeling starting in my tummy, and getting a safe feeling and a sense of peace in my heart. After dinner, Bryan had decided that we needed to go shopping for some casual clothing since everytime I had seen him, prior to this 1st date night, he had been in his Carharts. We then drove to the nearest clothing store and I put in my fashionable opinion and he then had a 2nd pair of clothes for our 2nd night together. We parted ways that evening and at the end of that night, marking the beginning of a lifetime, we shared a kiss that is also etched into the strings of my heart always and forever. We spent every night together from there on out. This was Januar 10, 2001.

Then the journey began...

Bryan was an iron worker from Iowa who had completed his job in my hometown and was scheduled to leave for the next job which was in Florida. We sold everything we owned, loaded up our mustang and hit the road. At this time, I was only 18, my wings had spread and I was not afraid in the least, knowing Bryan was holding my wings up. We were in Florida for two weeks and decided the traveling life was not the life we wanted. We came back home to our little town and started our life together.

The first of many heart aches...

Nausea...and lots of it. I remember thinking, "surely I am not pregnant, noooo way I am pregnant." So, I mustered up the courage and decided to buy a pregnancy test, and guess what?!?! I was pregnant. I always knew I wanted to have children, and confirmed once again when my heart connected with Bryan's. I was scared to tell my parents, so we decided not to for awhile. I had called and made a doctor's appointment and was starting to adjust to the idea of being a mommy at such a young age. One Thursday morning, Bryan kissed me goodbye and headed to work. I woke up feeling icky, which seemed to be a normal thing these past few weeks, discovered I was bleeding and immediately called Bryan hysterically screaming and crying, he informed me it was time to call my mom. I called my mom and informed her of our situation. She drove home and hugged me and we cried together and went to the hospital. We had been there for awhile when Bryan showed up, ( he was working miles away from home). We were overwhelmed by emotions when the doctor finally informed us that I had miscarried. Bryan was my rock and I was the dust beneath that rock. I was confused and angry and did not know why this was happening to us. Now, looking back I know in my heart that little angel is waiting for us and we will soon be together and has played a role in making me the woman I am today. Sadness was a part of my everyday life for many, many weeks to follow. Through everything, I had Bryan there by my side and knew deep down that this too shall pass...