priorities

Priorities...Bryan's drinking had became an everyday event and to see Bryan without a beer in his hand was when you would catch him asleep. He was a "regular" at one of the local bars and that phone number had been etched into my brain as I had dialed it many of times requesting him to come home and be with his family. This went on for 4 more years. Bryan drinking had become a normal part of our lives. We fought like cats and dogs and I had become a nasty, hateful human being, who was mad at the world. If it were not for my 2 boys, I would have been done with him long, long ago. But, for some reason I was still there thinking..."if he really loved me, he would stop." I was convinced I could change him. I remember the night when Bryan came stumbling into our house after being at the bar and the boys were tucked away sleeping and I was sitting on the couch , alone. I poured my heart and soul out to him, begging him to stop and see what he was sacrificing and he began to open up, for what seemed like the first time. He admitted to having a problem with drinking and shared with me just how out of control it had gotten. He then decided he was going to quit. My prayers had been answered...A new beginning...Bryan quit drinking and we both began to familiarize ourselves with the man that was Bryan, the true man, not the man who was under the influence of alcohol 24/7 and it was unfamiliar territory for us both. Bryan has always been a spiritual man, but he soon realized he could not fight this on his own. He began going to AA meetings. He made me so proud by showing his commitment to his family by becoming the man we needed. He then realized the meetings were helpful to those who didn't have other means of healing. Bryan had decided to turn his life over to the one who had sacrificed His life for him, Jesus. Bryan began to attend church regularly and began to encourage me to attend as well. I was so angry with him still, he drinks and breaks our family down, and he simply asks for forgiveness and commits his life to Christ and then has the nerve to ask me to change my ways? And proceeds to tell me that this will make things better for us and I need to do my part. I am only human, forgiveness is a gift given to those who have a pure heart and are committed to Him. I was not that person...Our two year struggle.....I Even though we had been together for 8 years, I was in a relationship with a new man. I would see the passion in him for his church family and his children, and wish inside of myself that I could have that as well. I was jealous of his newfound peace and was angry because I felt like he got off easy. I was the one there for 8 years, going through things on my own emotionally, raising 2 kids, working and trying to make our house a home and he was out drinking and living it up. I then began to attend church with him, I put on my happy face and pushed all my emotions into that pocket of my heart where all my scars were now covered in layers of scar tissue and smiled my way through yet another year of our relationship. I had my moments when I was convinced I had submitted to His will and was ready to accept the life He had for me, but then it would all come crashing down. We had been attending church as a family for approximately 1 year when Bryan said it was time to get married. This had always been a dream of mine, just like every other girl in the world, wedding dress, my daddy walking me down the aisle, honeymoon and forever living as one. My fairytale wedding was more of a fable...