a new beginning...

Marriage counseling...our first session was an opportunity to introduce ourselves to our counselor, and for him to familiarize his self with our "marital problems". After we left there I felt nothing different and had decided that if I wanted to be a survivor and have the respect of my children, I was going to give this all I have. That way at least I could say I gave it my everything. Our children were very aware of the problems we were having, we fought in front of them and I will forever regret that until the day I die. They are 7 and 5, they are more aware of their surroundings than we would like to think. We took our kids with us to our Tuesday evening appointments and they played and watched movies, unaware that in the next room their parents were fighting and struggling to keep their home and the security of their family in tact. This is sad to say, but it had gotten so bad that my children were the biggest reason I was still there. I loved Bryan the whole time, but I was so filled with anger and hurt that those emotions and smothered any other emotion that I felt. We managed to make it through another damaging week and Tuesday rolled back around. We loaded up the kids and drove to our appointment. I was trying my hardest to keep a clear mind and focus on what I was hoping to be the happy ending as a result from all the mayhem we had been through. We got the boys situated in their play area and walked into the pastor's office. we each took what had become our designated seats and the pastor began with a prayer. Ahhhhh, refreshing my soul and putting me in the frame of mind to humble myself and be more like Him. I remember thinking after we finished praying, "alright buddy, that was a low blow, trying to soften my heart, when I have worked so hard to be tough, I have enclosed my heart in barbed wire, so good luck..." We then went through the whole entire story that had led us to this embarrassing place in our marriage. Looking back now, I can see how the pastor defused the situation and how he confirmed that everything I was feeling I was entitled to feel. I felt a sense of victory, knowing that I was understood. He agreed that I was not expressing my anger and hurt in the best possible way, but at least I was expressing it. Bryan, on the other hand is the complete opposite of me...he would make jokes when I would try talking to him in a civilized manor about our issues, causing me to get more angrier than before the conversation began. Then, the music to my ears, " Bryan, is it safe to say that you struggle with emotions?" I had always told Bryan from the beginning that he did not know what it meant to love someone. He argued and said and I quote, " whatever, you are stupid." (this is one of my very MATURE husband's favorite responses) He then told us our time was up and confirmed we were going to be there next week. I left there with a slight tinge of hope, thinking maybe if he hears it from someone else, just maybe he could see the damage he has done to my heart...