a new beginning...

Marriage counseling...our first session was an opportunity to introduce ourselves to our counselor, and for him to familiarize his self with our "marital problems". After we left there I felt nothing different and had decided that if I wanted to be a survivor and have the respect of my children, I was going to give this all I have. That way at least I could say I gave it my everything. Our children were very aware of the problems we were having, we fought in front of them and I will forever regret that until the day I die. They are 7 and 5, they are more aware of their surroundings than we would like to think. We took our kids with us to our Tuesday evening appointments and they played and watched movies, unaware that in the next room their parents were fighting and struggling to keep their home and the security of their family in tact. This is sad to say, but it had gotten so bad that my children were the biggest reason I was still there. I loved Bryan the whole time, but I was so filled with anger and hurt that those emotions and smothered any other emotion that I felt. We managed to make it through another damaging week and Tuesday rolled back around. We loaded up the kids and drove to our appointment. I was trying my hardest to keep a clear mind and focus on what I was hoping to be the happy ending as a result from all the mayhem we had been through. We got the boys situated in their play area and walked into the pastor's office. we each took what had become our designated seats and the pastor began with a prayer. Ahhhhh, refreshing my soul and putting me in the frame of mind to humble myself and be more like Him. I remember thinking after we finished praying, "alright buddy, that was a low blow, trying to soften my heart, when I have worked so hard to be tough, I have enclosed my heart in barbed wire, so good luck..." We then went through the whole entire story that had led us to this embarrassing place in our marriage. Looking back now, I can see how the pastor defused the situation and how he confirmed that everything I was feeling I was entitled to feel. I felt a sense of victory, knowing that I was understood. He agreed that I was not expressing my anger and hurt in the best possible way, but at least I was expressing it. Bryan, on the other hand is the complete opposite of me...he would make jokes when I would try talking to him in a civilized manor about our issues, causing me to get more angrier than before the conversation began. Then, the music to my ears, " Bryan, is it safe to say that you struggle with emotions?" I had always told Bryan from the beginning that he did not know what it meant to love someone. He argued and said and I quote, " whatever, you are stupid." (this is one of my very MATURE husband's favorite responses) He then told us our time was up and confirmed we were going to be there next week. I left there with a slight tinge of hope, thinking maybe if he hears it from someone else, just maybe he could see the damage he has done to my heart...

marriage counseling 101...

We decided that the only option for us was to attend marriage counseling. We then had the dilemma of finding a counselor. We had no idea how to approach the idea of even searching for one, do we google it, do we get the phone book out and start looking diligently? So, unbeknown to me, Bryan had talked to his BFF about our situation and he recommended a pastor that specializes in Christian marriage counseling. Bryan has this thing where he feels it is my responsibility to call and make doctor appointments, talk to people on the phone, that he is somehow incapable. So, he relays this information to me and says, here, you need to call and schedule an appointment. I look at him with hatred in my eyes and squint and grit my teeth and reply with, " This is all your fault, I am not calling, you can call or forget about the whole thing." He called. We had our first appointment the next Tuesday at 4:00 pm. I work on Tuesdays and I am off at 2:00 pm everyday, I left work and came home looking for an excuse not to go. When nothing presented itself as a way out, I sucked it up and we traveled the quick 5 minute trip across town. We rode in silence and before going into the church, I looked at Bryan and said, " I hope you don't think that just because this is 'christian marriage counseling' that I am going to hold back, because I will not!" And with that we entered the church. I had never met the pastor at this church before and was nervous, just because I am not a fan of meeting new people. I am shy. (my shyness does not count to those of you who know me already! :) ) He introduced himself and led us into his office, where there were two chairs sitting side by side in front of his long rectangle wooden desk. He asked what our problems were and I filled him in.....3 days later after going down my checklist...okay, maybe it wasn't 3 days, but after going through my issues, he turned to Bryan and asked what his issues were and he replies with..."she is mean to me." Okay, let me fill you in on a little secret, I have an anger issue, slightly. When you hurt me in some way or another I will find a way to hurt you back, 10 times worse than you hurt me. When you make me mad, I will put you into a rage of fury. Therefore, I have to admit that since Bryan had broken his trust with me, I was not the most pleasant woman to be around...I was extremely mean to him, I would yell and scream at him, call him names, curse at him and avoid all physical contact all together as well as I refused to tell him that i loved him, and when he would say it to me, I told him not to say it, because if he "loved" me, why did he do what he did? This were not things I did to him one time while we were fighting, this had become a daily way for me to treat him. This is not something I am not proud of, but we all make mistakes and I was forgiven and continue to be forgiven. So, after Bryan tries pulling the *sniff, sniff, she is mean to me card, I control my evil laugh and proceed to look him square in the eyes and say that it is his fault I treat him the way I do! Bryan and I continued with our banter that had become routine for us and finally we were interrupted by the counselor. I remember thinking...phew I forgot where we were for a minute, good thing I watched my mouth, ha ha. He recapped our little issue and you could see the fear in his eyes when he turned to me and said, "you are very angry with Bryan, is that correct?" I then replied with, "you could say that." He didn't have to say anything, but I could see it on his face...he was thinking, this girl is a little spitfire and I have my work cut out for me on this one...

steal, kill and destroy...

Bryan and I had lived on our love for the past 8 1/2 years, and were now attending church regularly and had committed to living our lives not only for one another, but for the Lord. Bryan had started attending Sunday school and I had opted out of that request. The reason I chose not to go, is because I feel intimidated by others who are more familiar with the church and bible than I. He enjoyed his class and had made many friends. I, on the other hand went to morning service and then went home. Bryan pushed and pushed for me to go to Sunday school and I refused. The fact that I am very independent, does not help the fact that when you tell me to do something, the more I will rebel. One of my major issues with Bryan was the fact he is OBSESSED with his cell phone. I can not even count the number of times I had told him it was an issue and yet he continued to be on it for what would seem like 24/7. He was always texting his BFF and they are quite the pair. One day I dropped Bryan off at his Tuesday night bible study and began to drive away when his cell phone made a noise that had become wayyyy to familiar my ears. Bryan had a text message, I searched for the phone and picked it up and read the text...."hey, how are you today?" I then looked and seen who this text message was from and my anger level went from 0 to 60 in about 1.5 seconds. This text message was from a woman from our church. This was not the first time I knew of interaction betwen the two of them. The interaction on the computer had become obvious to me and I had mentioned it and he replied with..."I will stop if it bothers you that much." Little did I know, but I had been made to look like a fool, the computer interaction had stopped and apparently texting had taken its place. I then called someone at the bible study and asked to speak with Bryan. He answered the phone and I told him I would be in front of the building in 2 minutes, to come get his phone and that he had gotten a very important text in the 5 minutes he had been away from his phone. He knew by the screaming and the tone of my voice, I was in a rage. I pulled up and threw his phone to him and informed him who had text him and the content of the text. I then said, " I AM DONE!" I rolled up my window and sped off. When I got home my stomach was in knots and I was still so mad that I could not even cry. I decided to get online and check our phone bill to see if it would confirm what my heart was telling me and it did...thousands of text messages shared between him and her. I printed them off and confronted him with them when he got home. He said they were all about God and scriptures and there was never anything inappropriate. I was seeing red and asked why he had deleted the messages if there was nothing inappropriate, and his response was, "because I knew you would get mad." In my eyes, I felt like I was constantly competing with one thing or another to be a priority with Bryan. At first, it was drinking, then it was church, now, another woman. I sent a message to the woman and asked her if she thought what she was doing was appropriate, she replied with the same response as him. She told me that she texts a lot of men and her husband knows and is fine with it. I told Bryan that I was not able to get over this and I had even considered leaving him and I had played out all scenarios in my head, even divorce. After many conversations with her and Bryan I had a sense of peace and knew in my heart that nothing inappropriate had been exchanged between them. I still had the whole issue of having the trust that we had built for almost 9 years shattered. I then quit going to church, the way I saw it, church was full of nothing but hypocrites and I wanted no part of it. Things between Bryan and I became worse by the day and I had turned into a hateful, mean and angry person. I woke up everyday with hate running through my veins and fell asleep each night with it still surging through me. I had hate the person I had became and told Bryan that we needed to do something, his response was marriage counseling...

the honeymoon

The honeymoon...

After the wedding, we came home and we both could not stop smiling. Unfortunately we are not blessed with riches and I had to go to work. I left for work and glided out to the jeep and went to work to serve my time. I told everyone who walked into my office that I was now a married woman. Most of the drivers looked at me like i was silly, and replied with..."I thought you already were married." Recap, Bryan and I had been together for 9 years before we finally tied the knot. Now, the reason we remained unmarried for so long...Bryan has not always been mine. He has a daughter, Dakota, 18 and a son, Broc, 14. His daughter was from his high school sweetheart and his son was from his ex-wife. Bryan was married in 1999 to Broc's mom. This is hard for any woman to swallow, the fact of knowing your husband had committed his life to another woman before you. Bryan and her separated after only approximately 1 year of marriage. Then a few months later Bryan came to my hometown to work. After his lovely time of courting me around and trying to feed me artichoke dip, a mere 2 weeks into our relationship, Bryan says those 3 little words that tied me to him indefinitely. And, pretty much in the same breath proceeds to tell me he is still legally married. My heart , which was 30 seconds earlier fluttering trying to maintain a steady beat had now sank into my chest and felt as if it were shattering into a million pieces. He then told me that he was separated and had no intentions of reconciling the marriage. I then agreed that it was not an issue for me as long as a divorce was in the near future. We proceeded to build our lives together and time had slipped by. We would pay the lawyer and have papers drawn up and she would contest one thing or another, so it took way longer than it should have. It costs us a lot of money and a lot of valuable time, time which we could have been married. When it was all said and done, Bryan had 'legally' been single for 13 days before we were officially married. Our wedding was no fairytale, but the love that we shared after being pronounced man and wife was worth the wait. We had our ups and we had our downs, we always loved each other, but until we married, God had held out on the love in which we shared after doing the right thing in the eyes of Him. I thought I knew what it felt like to be loved by Bryan, but the love that was pouring out of him to me, his wife, was by far one of the most rewarding and satisfying feelings I have ever experienced. We lived our love song for almost a yearafter being married, which brings us to present day. I knew it was too good to be true, the devil was on a mission and his focus was my marriage...

the wedding

Wednesday, Bryan and I had decide that we were going to get married and our first step was to get our marriage license, we loaded up our boys, who at this time are 6 and 4. We drove to the next town, yes, the artichoke dip town and walked into the courthouse and bought our marriage license. We then decide we may as well go buy wedding rings, you know that way we will have them when the time comes. So, we went and picked out wedding bands. Bryan, in a nonchalant way says, "you know, we could just go to the courthouse and get married". My heart flip flopped and the emotions came flooding into my head and heart with the thought of being his wife. The emotions took and over and I replied, "Okay." We then drove back to the courthouse and asked the judge to marry us, his schedule was full and we decided it wasn't our day. The boys, such troopers, had been dragged around town while Bryan and I were busy with our planning and piped in..."we're hungry", we stopped in our tracks and shared with each of them how much we loved them and how their patience and good behavior had not gone unnoticed. We pulled into the parking lot of Hardee's and went in and ordered lunch. We sat and ate our lunch, the boys and I were talking 'wedding stuff' and Bryan was on the phone trying to call anyone he could think of to marry us. We finished our lunch and began the quick trip home. we drive past our church on our way home and Bryan says, "i am gonna call pastor and see if he is busy." He calls and asks him to marry us and he is more excited than we are. He tells us to be at the church in an hour and a half. I then go into panic mode...calling my mom, my dad, and my sister, telling them I am getting married in an hour and a half. We rush home and change into our wedding attire, mine being a pair of jeans and a sweater with my Justin boots, of course. Bryan in a pair of khakis and a polo. Our boys are running around the house like wild banshees, saying to each other ..."mom and dad are getting married, mom and dad are getting married." I apply my makeup and am floating on a high I am unaware of at the time. Time to head for the church...The wedding...We pull into the parking lot of the church and my parents are already there, along with my sister. Yes, we were the last ones to arrive to our own wedding. I give hugs to my family, who by the way had no idea of wedding, let alone to get the call an hour before the event. I hug my daddy and he has a twinkle in his eye, he reaches into his truck and pulls out a bouquet of flowers and hands it to me. I gasp and say thank you and could not believe how I was planning on getting married and making the sacrifice of all the little details I had dreamed about for soooo long. I then blinked past the tears and made my way into the church. I was greeted by the pastor and his amazing wife, along with the youth pastor and his wife, and the church's secretary. We had a brief run through of the proceedings and when I headed to the front of the church to take my place next to my soon to be husband, I was told to to go out of the sanctuary and let my daddy walk me in. They had even popped the Wedding March cd into the cd player and my daddy walked me down the aisle, handing my hand to my soon to be husband's in a symbol of letting go. A short 5 minutes later we were married, and the journey could really begin.

priorities

Priorities...Bryan's drinking had became an everyday event and to see Bryan without a beer in his hand was when you would catch him asleep. He was a "regular" at one of the local bars and that phone number had been etched into my brain as I had dialed it many of times requesting him to come home and be with his family. This went on for 4 more years. Bryan drinking had become a normal part of our lives. We fought like cats and dogs and I had become a nasty, hateful human being, who was mad at the world. If it were not for my 2 boys, I would have been done with him long, long ago. But, for some reason I was still there thinking..."if he really loved me, he would stop." I was convinced I could change him. I remember the night when Bryan came stumbling into our house after being at the bar and the boys were tucked away sleeping and I was sitting on the couch , alone. I poured my heart and soul out to him, begging him to stop and see what he was sacrificing and he began to open up, for what seemed like the first time. He admitted to having a problem with drinking and shared with me just how out of control it had gotten. He then decided he was going to quit. My prayers had been answered...A new beginning...Bryan quit drinking and we both began to familiarize ourselves with the man that was Bryan, the true man, not the man who was under the influence of alcohol 24/7 and it was unfamiliar territory for us both. Bryan has always been a spiritual man, but he soon realized he could not fight this on his own. He began going to AA meetings. He made me so proud by showing his commitment to his family by becoming the man we needed. He then realized the meetings were helpful to those who didn't have other means of healing. Bryan had decided to turn his life over to the one who had sacrificed His life for him, Jesus. Bryan began to attend church regularly and began to encourage me to attend as well. I was so angry with him still, he drinks and breaks our family down, and he simply asks for forgiveness and commits his life to Christ and then has the nerve to ask me to change my ways? And proceeds to tell me that this will make things better for us and I need to do my part. I am only human, forgiveness is a gift given to those who have a pure heart and are committed to Him. I was not that person...Our two year struggle.....I Even though we had been together for 8 years, I was in a relationship with a new man. I would see the passion in him for his church family and his children, and wish inside of myself that I could have that as well. I was jealous of his newfound peace and was angry because I felt like he got off easy. I was the one there for 8 years, going through things on my own emotionally, raising 2 kids, working and trying to make our house a home and he was out drinking and living it up. I then began to attend church with him, I put on my happy face and pushed all my emotions into that pocket of my heart where all my scars were now covered in layers of scar tissue and smiled my way through yet another year of our relationship. I had my moments when I was convinced I had submitted to His will and was ready to accept the life He had for me, but then it would all come crashing down. We had been attending church as a family for approximately 1 year when Bryan said it was time to get married. This had always been a dream of mine, just like every other girl in the world, wedding dress, my daddy walking me down the aisle, honeymoon and forever living as one. My fairytale wedding was more of a fable...

the introduction, part 2

Our first miracle...

Bailey Michael Pearson, born on December 5, 2002 at 5:55pm, weighing in at a whopping 8lbs, 14 1/2oz. and measuring 21 inches long. We conceived Bailey almost exactly 9 months after our miscarriage and was more than excited to start our family. Bryan and I had had many happy times together and the euphoria of holding this miracle in my arms confirmed every doubt that had ever been presented to me in the past year and a half with Bryan. We took Bailey home after 4 days and began our life as parents together. This was what I thought was the beginning of my fairy tale...

Our second miracle...

Brendan Christopher Pearson, born on September 18, 2004 at 7:38pm, weighing in at 8lbs, 8 oz and measuring 20 1/2 inches long. My water broke with Brendan on a Saturday afternoon, I was sitting my gigantor booty on our futon eating Burger King, I rocked back and forth to gain the inertia to rise up off the futon and stood and began laughing...I was convinced I had peed my pants! My sister was staying with me because Bryan was out of town fishing...(that story soon to play into the events). I proceeded to the restroom where I sat down and did my business and realized my business kept doing. It then hit me like a ton of bricks, "Tabby, my water broke!" I was unusually calm, first things first, call Bryan. I dialed his number and there was no answer. I instructed my sister to grab the bags and get Bailey ready and we will head to the hospital. She was in charge of contacting my parents and others. My goal was to get a hold of Bryan. We then loaded into the car and I am still remaining calm and I drove us to the hospital. They put me in my room and told me I was dilated to a 3, I beckoned the amazing man, AKA the anesthesiologist and prepared for my epidural. Meanwhile, I can only guess as to how many missed calls Bryan has on his phone by now and I have still yet to talk to him. They clear the room and proceed to numb my pain, easier said than done...the medicine was injected into the wrong spot in my spine and caused my blood pressure to plummet and my entire body, including m chest walls to become numb. I was in and out of consciousness and by the time they had cleaned it out of my system, I was dilated to an 8 and told I could not have any pain medication. FYI...not something you want to tell a woman who is in labor and not able to reach her husband. I cried and acted like a 4 year old and told the doctor I refused to push! The time came and only God can get props for giving me the strength to deliver that bouncing baby boy. I remember it being the most horrible pain I have ever experienced in my life, but cannot remember how terrible because feeling the love for that little guy know blocks out every bad image of that day, except one...

The caller you are trying to reach is not available...

Bryan and I have not always been the people we both are today. If you recall, we did meet in a bar. Bryan was a drinker. Looking back, I guess I should have taken more notice to the fact that drinking was Bryan's priority then and now here in 2004. I finally get in touch with Bryan after giving birth and being moved to our sleeping quarters for the next 2 days. Needless to say that was not a pleasant conversation. I had never felt so abandoned and alone and knowing he had chose drinking and his friends over me and our family. He then came home the next day from Iowa and after making a pit stop at our house to shower finally came to the hospital to meet our son. I was infuriated to even lay my eyes upon this man, this man who I had given my all to and to have him shred my trust and heart into a billion pieces. We left the hospital and went on with our lives. I shut my mouth and focused on our boys. Time passed and it eventually got buried deep down inside of me, leaving room for many more scars to come...

the introduction, part 1

Welcome! First of all, thanks for taking the time to check out my page. I am Samantha, a mother of two amazing little boys, Bailey, 7 and Brendan, 5. I am married to Bryan, my husband of only 1 year and two months. Bryan and I have been together for 10 years in January, we have had a rocky road to get to where we are today. Bryan came to our little town we live in from Iowa. I, on the other hand am a hometown girl, born and raised in our little community.We had the all but normal kind of meeting, I was working in a bar and Bryan was a faithful patron. (I would later learn to love his faithfulness) He finally bit the bullet and asked me out and I obliged...

Our first date...The agenda was dinner. We took the short 10 minute trip down the interstate to the next town and talked like lifelong friends. We then decided on the fanciest restaurant in town, we were seated and began to peruse the menu. This is something we still discuss 10 years later and can always guarantee a smile...our appetizer of choice, artichoke dip. We were not prepared for the white and green substance layed out so intricately in the sourdough ring.(Only later to learn that was not the only thing we were not prepared for in the beginning of our lives together) The waitress with her crisp, white button down shirt and black slacks layed it in between us and we thanked her, and as she was walking away, we were silently daring one another to take the plunge. We then came to the 1st and thankfully not the last agreement as a couple...."at the same time...ready?" As we took our first bite the look on his face felt like the look on my face. We then decided we had tried it and that we gave it a fair shot, making a mental note to avoid artichoke dip from there on out. We then ate our dinner and could feel the warm and fuzzy feeling starting in my tummy, and getting a safe feeling and a sense of peace in my heart. After dinner, Bryan had decided that we needed to go shopping for some casual clothing since everytime I had seen him, prior to this 1st date night, he had been in his Carharts. We then drove to the nearest clothing store and I put in my fashionable opinion and he then had a 2nd pair of clothes for our 2nd night together. We parted ways that evening and at the end of that night, marking the beginning of a lifetime, we shared a kiss that is also etched into the strings of my heart always and forever. We spent every night together from there on out. This was Januar 10, 2001.

Then the journey began...

Bryan was an iron worker from Iowa who had completed his job in my hometown and was scheduled to leave for the next job which was in Florida. We sold everything we owned, loaded up our mustang and hit the road. At this time, I was only 18, my wings had spread and I was not afraid in the least, knowing Bryan was holding my wings up. We were in Florida for two weeks and decided the traveling life was not the life we wanted. We came back home to our little town and started our life together.

The first of many heart aches...

Nausea...and lots of it. I remember thinking, "surely I am not pregnant, noooo way I am pregnant." So, I mustered up the courage and decided to buy a pregnancy test, and guess what?!?! I was pregnant. I always knew I wanted to have children, and confirmed once again when my heart connected with Bryan's. I was scared to tell my parents, so we decided not to for awhile. I had called and made a doctor's appointment and was starting to adjust to the idea of being a mommy at such a young age. One Thursday morning, Bryan kissed me goodbye and headed to work. I woke up feeling icky, which seemed to be a normal thing these past few weeks, discovered I was bleeding and immediately called Bryan hysterically screaming and crying, he informed me it was time to call my mom. I called my mom and informed her of our situation. She drove home and hugged me and we cried together and went to the hospital. We had been there for awhile when Bryan showed up, ( he was working miles away from home). We were overwhelmed by emotions when the doctor finally informed us that I had miscarried. Bryan was my rock and I was the dust beneath that rock. I was confused and angry and did not know why this was happening to us. Now, looking back I know in my heart that little angel is waiting for us and we will soon be together and has played a role in making me the woman I am today. Sadness was a part of my everyday life for many, many weeks to follow. Through everything, I had Bryan there by my side and knew deep down that this too shall pass...