steal, kill and destroy...

Bryan and I had lived on our love for the past 8 1/2 years, and were now attending church regularly and had committed to living our lives not only for one another, but for the Lord. Bryan had started attending Sunday school and I had opted out of that request. The reason I chose not to go, is because I feel intimidated by others who are more familiar with the church and bible than I. He enjoyed his class and had made many friends. I, on the other hand went to morning service and then went home. Bryan pushed and pushed for me to go to Sunday school and I refused. The fact that I am very independent, does not help the fact that when you tell me to do something, the more I will rebel. One of my major issues with Bryan was the fact he is OBSESSED with his cell phone. I can not even count the number of times I had told him it was an issue and yet he continued to be on it for what would seem like 24/7. He was always texting his BFF and they are quite the pair. One day I dropped Bryan off at his Tuesday night bible study and began to drive away when his cell phone made a noise that had become wayyyy to familiar my ears. Bryan had a text message, I searched for the phone and picked it up and read the text...."hey, how are you today?" I then looked and seen who this text message was from and my anger level went from 0 to 60 in about 1.5 seconds. This text message was from a woman from our church. This was not the first time I knew of interaction betwen the two of them. The interaction on the computer had become obvious to me and I had mentioned it and he replied with..."I will stop if it bothers you that much." Little did I know, but I had been made to look like a fool, the computer interaction had stopped and apparently texting had taken its place. I then called someone at the bible study and asked to speak with Bryan. He answered the phone and I told him I would be in front of the building in 2 minutes, to come get his phone and that he had gotten a very important text in the 5 minutes he had been away from his phone. He knew by the screaming and the tone of my voice, I was in a rage. I pulled up and threw his phone to him and informed him who had text him and the content of the text. I then said, " I AM DONE!" I rolled up my window and sped off. When I got home my stomach was in knots and I was still so mad that I could not even cry. I decided to get online and check our phone bill to see if it would confirm what my heart was telling me and it did...thousands of text messages shared between him and her. I printed them off and confronted him with them when he got home. He said they were all about God and scriptures and there was never anything inappropriate. I was seeing red and asked why he had deleted the messages if there was nothing inappropriate, and his response was, "because I knew you would get mad." In my eyes, I felt like I was constantly competing with one thing or another to be a priority with Bryan. At first, it was drinking, then it was church, now, another woman. I sent a message to the woman and asked her if she thought what she was doing was appropriate, she replied with the same response as him. She told me that she texts a lot of men and her husband knows and is fine with it. I told Bryan that I was not able to get over this and I had even considered leaving him and I had played out all scenarios in my head, even divorce. After many conversations with her and Bryan I had a sense of peace and knew in my heart that nothing inappropriate had been exchanged between them. I still had the whole issue of having the trust that we had built for almost 9 years shattered. I then quit going to church, the way I saw it, church was full of nothing but hypocrites and I wanted no part of it. Things between Bryan and I became worse by the day and I had turned into a hateful, mean and angry person. I woke up everyday with hate running through my veins and fell asleep each night with it still surging through me. I had hate the person I had became and told Bryan that we needed to do something, his response was marriage counseling...