a trip to the lake...

Boys will be boys....we recently took a trip to the outlet mall in Osage Beach to do some school shopping for the boys. The boys are excited on the way there, saying things like, "will we get to see the big boats, I am not wearing anything you buy except for aeropostale." You know, the typical 5 and 7 year old sayings. We arrive at the mall and the first store we venture into happens to be aeropostale, Bailey is in heaven. So, we browse and they each have found what they are getting and we check out. My poor little sheltered boys start to head for the Jeep, we call them back and ask where they are going, they thought we were done shopping. So, me being the momma I am, laugh and inform them I did not wear my walking shoes to go into one store and told them we were gonna, "hit em all". They look at each other, not knowing if they should be thrilled or scared, so bags in tow, they walk side by side taking in the store fronts. We manage to drag them into a few shops that were not on the top of their list, but I think when I lit up like a christmas tree as I inhaled deeply while walking into bath and body works had them see me in a different light. (No, not the glow from me lighting up, :) ) I smelled the new scents and tried to have them smell this and smell that, and they shook their heads at me and was like hurry up. I walked away with my favorite choice, berry with a hint of vanilla. Later that day, Bailey asks me, " How did you choose just the one lotion and spray out of all those?" I stop and look down and say," it is one of my favorites, I can remember wearing it in high school. " Not really intrigued by that, we walk on to the bookstore where the boys each get a book. My boys are not the typical kids when it comes to their reading material, Brendan chooses a book that contains a carrier and magnets, so he can recreate the story with his magnets, Bailey chooses an instructional book on how to make a lion out of clay. We finish our day of shopping, cap it off with a little bit of greek pizza and head home. On the way home, Bryan and I are talking about our day together and Bryan says, " I smell pee." I turn to laugh at him and call him disgusting, and when my head turns I say, "me too." We then hear giggles coming from the backseat, at this time, I am more than afraid to turn around and Bryan who is nervously grinning from ear to ear says, "don't look at me, I am driving, you have to turn around and see." I then turn around to the sight of my two boys peeing into empty soda bottles and laughing hysterically when they see me looking at them. I do not say a word, I turn back around and tell Bryan what I just witnessed and he begans to laugh uncontrollably. I am scarred, I just seen my two boys peeing into empty soda bottles and thinking it was the coolest thing ever. I then hear Bailey..."Brendan, look how much I peed!" I then lost it, I laughed and almost had tears rolling down my cheeks. We then disposed of the evidence and I gathered my giggles and traded them in for the mommy voice and told them that just because they are boys and can pee easily, there is a time and place for everything, they nodded their heads as it went in one ear and out the other, but in the end my conclusion, a family that pees together, always has that warm fuzzy feeling! Boys will be boys! :)

money in the bank...

I knew that I had inflicted pain onto those around me, and unfortunately I had inflicted pain onto the one closest to me, my husband. I had been hurt by him and the way I dealt with that was to hurt him in return. Little did I know, I was not only hurting him, I was hurting my children as well. I had become a hateful spiteful person and looking back now, I realize that I was being selfish. I had every right to be angry and hurt after the situation with Bryan, however, I was not dealing with my own issues of handling the situation. I did the only thing I knew would help me...I dropped to my knees and gave my problems to Him, I asked for His help and begged for forgiveness. I wanted my family back and knew in my heart that I had to forgive so that I could do my part to begin the healing process. I once heard that marriage is like a piggy bank, for every good thing that happens, you put in a penny and for every bad thing that happens you take out a dollar. I was on a mission to put my piggy bank in the black! Surrendering to Him was only the beginning, I still had to do the leg work and Bryan was doing his part by showing me he wanted our piggy bank full of pennies. I felt a sense of peace and love fall upon my heart and knew that I had been healed from the pain I had endured. We did our weekly assignments from marriage counseling and continued to grow as a married couple. We made new rules and boundaries as a couple and began to fall in love all over again. The next step I had to take was to make amends to the wonderful gifts God had blessed me with, my children. Bailey and Brendan had seen me cry, scream and wake up with anger written all over my face. I had came home from work one day, only to discover that I had left my cell phone at work. I made it home and my boss had text Bryan had told him my phone was at work, so I asked the boys to ride with me. I stopped at a local gas station, and let them get a cold drink and a snack. We climbed into the jeep and they buckled and began snacking and chatting away. I readjusted my rearview mirror to see their heart warming little faces with rosy red chubby cheeks (they get that from me). I told them to listen to me, I had something important to tell them. They looked at each other and Bailey says, " uh oh, Bren-Bren, we are in trouble." My heart sank and I fought back the tears and simply told them I love them and I was sorry for being mean, I was sorry for fighting with Daddy, and I was sorry I hurt them in any way I did. They smiled and said, "is that it?" I laughed asked if they forgave me and the smiles on their faces and the sparkle in their eyes gave me my answer. I then concluded that if the world could be as forgiving and understanding as the two beautiful boys riding in my backseat could be, it would definitely be a better place. So, not only did surrendering to Him get me my marriage back on the right track, it got me back in my baby boys' graces and those two places are at the top of my list. The next milestone I faced was addiction...

healing of the heart...

Bryan and I left marriage counseling and I was still as angry as ever. We were assigned homework, our assignment was to read 1 Corinthians: 1-7, and discuss what it meant to us together as a couple. So, that night we put the kids to bed, I wake up at 4:30 every morning to go to work, so I am go to be early. Bryan, on the other hand is quite the night owl. so, I meander into the bedroom and grab my bible and skim the verses...(this was my way of being one up, and again, for those of you who know me, I like to be right, ALL the time!) I read the content and wrote down what it meant. Little did I realize but I had wrote down the definition of the content, not the feeling of what it actually meant. I hollered for Bryan and told him to come in the bedroom so we could do this so I could get to sleep. He was too busy and said, "we'll do it tomorrow." So, I mumbled some not so kind sweet nothings and rolled my eyes(which I am the greatest at by the way. :) ) rolled over and fell asleep. Needless to say the week went by and we were at a point where we were barely on speaking terms and the next Tuesday rolled around and we had not completed our assignment. The pastor asked us why we had not completed the assignment and my response was, "Bryan didn't have time." We were then given another week to accomplish the task that we had brushed under the rug, which by the way had so many "things" brushed under it that it was only a matter of time before the rug overflowed and it all started leaking out. We continued to go on with our everything but normal routine, which included me waking up, going to work, me coming home, cooking, cleaning, and bathing kids and going to bed. At this time, Bryan was unemployed and had become very accustomed to the easy life. This caused me to feel resentment towards him. it took me along time to realize that the anger I had towards him was not just because I had felt like I had been betrayed, but it stemmed back from the day I gave birth to our son and I was alone. We went to our weekly appointment and for the first time in months, I cried. I cried for my marriage, I cried for the damage I had caused my boys, I cried for the person I had become. I am not one to cry in front of people, especially a man I had known for 3 weeks, but when he looked at me and asked if I thought my marriage was worth fighting for instead of just fighting? It had hit me like a led balloon...I was unable to see that the blame was not all on Bryan, I had to forgive in order to heal inside and become the wife he deserved and the mommy my kids needed again. Therefor, the prayers I spoke every morning, evening and in my dreams felt like they weren't getting past the roof, realizing this, I realized the first person I had to apologize to was Jesus...