healing of the heart...

Bryan and I left marriage counseling and I was still as angry as ever. We were assigned homework, our assignment was to read 1 Corinthians: 1-7, and discuss what it meant to us together as a couple. So, that night we put the kids to bed, I wake up at 4:30 every morning to go to work, so I am go to be early. Bryan, on the other hand is quite the night owl. so, I meander into the bedroom and grab my bible and skim the verses...(this was my way of being one up, and again, for those of you who know me, I like to be right, ALL the time!) I read the content and wrote down what it meant. Little did I realize but I had wrote down the definition of the content, not the feeling of what it actually meant. I hollered for Bryan and told him to come in the bedroom so we could do this so I could get to sleep. He was too busy and said, "we'll do it tomorrow." So, I mumbled some not so kind sweet nothings and rolled my eyes(which I am the greatest at by the way. :) ) rolled over and fell asleep. Needless to say the week went by and we were at a point where we were barely on speaking terms and the next Tuesday rolled around and we had not completed our assignment. The pastor asked us why we had not completed the assignment and my response was, "Bryan didn't have time." We were then given another week to accomplish the task that we had brushed under the rug, which by the way had so many "things" brushed under it that it was only a matter of time before the rug overflowed and it all started leaking out. We continued to go on with our everything but normal routine, which included me waking up, going to work, me coming home, cooking, cleaning, and bathing kids and going to bed. At this time, Bryan was unemployed and had become very accustomed to the easy life. This caused me to feel resentment towards him. it took me along time to realize that the anger I had towards him was not just because I had felt like I had been betrayed, but it stemmed back from the day I gave birth to our son and I was alone. We went to our weekly appointment and for the first time in months, I cried. I cried for my marriage, I cried for the damage I had caused my boys, I cried for the person I had become. I am not one to cry in front of people, especially a man I had known for 3 weeks, but when he looked at me and asked if I thought my marriage was worth fighting for instead of just fighting? It had hit me like a led balloon...I was unable to see that the blame was not all on Bryan, I had to forgive in order to heal inside and become the wife he deserved and the mommy my kids needed again. Therefor, the prayers I spoke every morning, evening and in my dreams felt like they weren't getting past the roof, realizing this, I realized the first person I had to apologize to was Jesus...